Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Jen's LiveJournal:

Friday, December 9th, 2005
5:37 pm	and its beginning to snow* wow long time since ive updated this thing but i figured what the hell, might as well go for it busy busy busy would be the word to describe my life right now collegs apps are done thank god drama is starting yayyy (congrats to everyone im very happy for you all) processional night is monday and this weekend is processional weekend..whoopie! =) my road test is tuesday andddd christmas is in like 16 days my chelsea came home =) i got a bracelet from my darling katie ashleys birthday is tomorrow and i stopped by today to give her the digt i got her and thats it oh yeah, we had a snow day.... and it didnt even snow....
Open your mouth.
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
9:14 am	its 40 degrees outside, do you know where your children are? First of all congrats to myself and my other average joe-r's..cuz we rocked out at sadies and won 2nd in the costume contest! (we so got jipped tho, cuz the ppl who did the soc studies dept knew that they r the teachers who decide who wins) so yeah but everyone complimented me and everyone else on the teamm so that felt nice =) congrats are alsoooo in order for miss christa ciotti who won MOST MUSICAL!! yayyy christa! hehe =) k so after sadies jenn, laura, sam, caitln, kc, and i went to applebees and ordered a shit load of appetizers and i was like half asleep so i was saying random things in between fallin asleep at the table...haha in the car i do remember someone saying "its 40 degrees outside" and me saying...'DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?!" haha proof that i was over tired...butt i neeeded sleep cuz the next day was Jen(n) squared day! we went to see RENT as a bday gift from my jenn to me! OMG IT WAS AMAZINGGG! its one of those shows that really makes u think about life..but like in a good way. but yeah the girl that played mimi was amazing and the one tha played maureen reminded me SLIGHTLY of kristen chenoweth. after our lovely day in the city we went back to jenn's and after some complications we rented HOUSE OF WAX and had taco bell dinner! OMG FUCKING AMAZING MOVIE! CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY IS M LFIE! hahaha i thought itd be reallllly scary/bad but it was act good...paris hilton should never EVER act again tho haha anywayyyy thats the past 2 days.... peace out <3 Current Mood: awake Current Music: Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Open your mouth.
Friday, October 28th, 2005
5:53 pm	Random Babbling Really quick random thoughts: amazing time this week dressing up taking funny pics w/ friends! 80's day rocked and i think yael wins the award for most out of control hair haha good luck to everyone up for senior celebrities..honestly, i thought i didnt care about winning..but i guess thats kind of a lie, cuz if i won it meant that i was actually "something"/acknowledged instead of a nothing/no one..even if its a sucky category and yeah... sadies tonite woot woot RENT WITH JENN TMRW YAHOOOOOIIIIEEE i love chelsea so much - best always and forever Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Rent - Rent
Open your mouth.
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
10:50 pm	kiss today goodbye & point me toward tomorrow the only good part about today is that its OVER! :-( Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Barcelona - Jewel
Open your mouth.
Monday, October 24th, 2005
9:55 pm	all or nothing... So basically I haven't updated in a while cuz I've been busy beyond belief. But I actually have like time tonight so I figured I'd write a bit. Ok sooooo school..kinda sucky. TONS of work and I've come to realize, through all those therapy techniques/groups at LIJ..even though it was a while ago when I first was introduced to them..that I have this all or nothing attitude when it comes to school, food, weight, self esteem. With school its like..I'll either try and do all my work on one shot, and I'll completely overwhelm myself..orrr I'll procrastinate like theres no tomorrow. I feel like no matter what I do with school, its not good enough..that being said I know its not GOOD to not do work, or try and kill myself doing it...but its like implanted in my brain that like you either have to be the best, or youre nothing.. SAT grades from the recent october one came in..lets just say any dreams I possibly could have conjoured up of going to ANY school just got completley demolished..I knew I didnt do great, but I didnt think that Id go down..technically i went up - but it was in the writing section...which sucks because colleges (at lest the ones im applying to) dont even look at writing grades on the SAT...so yeah I thought I was fine with it/didnt care..but as usual..it was me "playing it up" at school...I got home and just cried because like even though I have mixed emotions about leaving home/going to school/my future...I just thought that like it would be nice to know that Im not a failure at ONE thing ..butt i was proven wrong yet again.. As far as things go personally...I couldn't be more of a mess. Emotionally Im going through hell...I feel like I'm not a good enough friend/person/etc..and i beat myself up over it..I used to be able to help people and talk to my friends and help cheer them up..and I think I tried doing that moreso because since I couldnt help myself (feel better)...I would trick myself into feeling good about myself because I helped someone else..and dont get me wrong i still love talking to my friends and trying to help them in any way possible...i just dont think im good at it...which also led me to my next move which was deciding that instead of going into the field of clinical psychology, id become a criminal psychologist..which ive always loved but never thought of as a career option...so anyway, i went on a tangent....I just feel that right now im at a point in my life where anything I do..could and probably should be done better... I am ALWAYS coparing myself to others and ik that has alot to do with the ED but its not just weight/size/etc that im comparing...its EVERYTHING..i feel like im almost competing with people...only they have no idea...usually when u compete with someone, its a mutual thing...in my case, im competing but theyre not..theyre just living their lives minding their own business, clueless to the fact that im trying to be better/thinner/prettier/happier....and i seem to lose every "competition"... it also leads to competition with myself.."i want to do/be better...i HAVE to.." but then i have these feelings like..."i dont DESERVE to do/be better/happier etc.." again..all or nothing....these days im either really happy or depressed beyond belief..theres never an in between and it sucks..and i can snap and things can change within minutes...maybe im like bipolar? who knows...i might as well add that onto my list of diagnosed crap.... anyway the good things right now are: in the past week i saw eve and tiff, both unexpected meetings and it made me really happy ive been speaking to chelsea on the phone/via myspace and i love her to death the friendships i have now with alot of people are getting stronger in my opinion which just makes me really happy when i think about it comment please, loves ♥ Current Music: Ana's Song (Open Fire) - Silverchair
8 said something. Open your mouth.
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
7:18 pm	oh! well! i never was there ever......... so yeah today was a pretty boring day but it school went by surprisingly fast! so that was good..then we had broadway club haha w.e its a joke but me and ashley hung out so it was cool! lol then christa came over and we attempted to watch cats anddd study oedipus aka oedi! haha aka we watched cats and like casted most of the show and realized who was gonna be, or should be...characters in the show. that was funn and then we talked alot about everything n it was actually a lot of fun. i like spending time just chatting about stuff. anyway now im off to the gym cuzzzzz i need to work my fatass out haha w/e chelsea if u read this i fucking love you and we need to talk asap!! <3 Current Mood: hyper Current Music: christa singing my immortal on her music myspace haha
4 said something. Open your mouth.
Monday, October 10th, 2005
9:32 pm	long time, no update so here i am again...after a while...whatever at least i remembered about this thing this time as opposed to completley forgetting i have one an account.. anywayy things have been kind of hectic for me lately. with school and college stuff and friends and personal things going on i barely have time to breathe. going through alot of the same old insecurities that ive had forever. everyone, well the drs and therapists at LIJ used to say that there was probably a time in your life when u werent insecure about urself and ur body, and then all of a sudden, although it was technically over time..u developed a poor self image. well i can honestly say that i dont remember ever not feeling bad about the way i look, my weight, my body, etc..its always been an issue for me and it always will be. i just found out one of my friends went back to a hospital so i hope and pray shes ok.. as far as other things go..like school, i pretty much love my teachers/classes etc...crime law is just amazing, i love my physics teacher formisano, dance is cool cuz everyone is in that class, choir is.....choir,spanish i love cuz steinber is amazing and i have my leprachaun o'connor with me, english is great except i still havent made up my mind about goldstein yet, then theres health (i love sandy!), and psych which im totally into (obviously) haha.. no decisions about applications but i do know ninivaggi, fielding, and i think gunning im gonna ask to write recommendations...w/e idc right now ik i mentioned it earlier, i just cant seem to get away from this feeling that im like not like idk good enough i guess...with a lot of things. i have goals and expectations in my life about who i wanna be what i wanna look like where i wanna be in a few years, and i feel so out of control right now. its like im having an outer body experience or something, and im watching my life as if it were a tv show, only there is no remote to go back, forward, pause, etc...i have no control i just gotta sit back and watch it idk maybe im just weird..well i know i am, but i think u get what i mean.. Current Mood: lethargic
5 said something. Open your mouth.
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
9:44 pm	reality on wednesday, september 7th, 2005...i officially start my senior year. and thats just more than a little terrifying. i was really just taking it all in today when i was driving to tanger outlets with my dad. i was sitting there, literally driving on the LIE when it hit me...here i am, driving a car, after ive just fixed my schedule for my senior year..hearing my dumbass guidance councelor tell me how proud she is of me and how well rounded i am and how ive made a great selection of courses...and i dont know why i thought of it, but i started thinking of college applications, and that scared me. i know its normal to not know where you want to go or what you want to do, and its even normal to be scared...but im like beyond scared..im paranoid, anxious, and sort of having a breakdown..im so scared to just be on my own..a few of my closest friends know, that my biggest fear is loss..ive dealt with ALOT of loss in my life, and im scared of losing my friends, my secirity..im scared of being alone and growing up and having to go to college. even just being a senior like freaks me out. the fact that we can drive flips me out so much..i really dont know why. im genuinely like panicking and having anxiety attacks about school.. i dont want this to be the last year of choir, or drama...or being with the friends ive made these past years of high school basically, i just sort of want to stop time.. </3 Current Mood: anxious
4 said something. Open your mouth.
Friday, August 26th, 2005
9:13 pm	a dose of TRUTH... WOW. SOOOO much has happened to me this past year. It's like hard to even know where to begin because I don't really remember where I left off. So in a nutshell... This past year (Jr. Year) was pretty crappy for me. I went through hell. The beginning of the year started off pretty well..then after about a month of school..not even, I went back into the hospital for about two months. I met some great people who I still keep in touch with. Anyway, when I got back to school things were really different. I was out of the loop with things related to school as well as friends. Especially friends. The year progressed and I got more and more self-conscious and was so depressed that I couldn't be how I wanted to be or look how I wanted to look..that I started making realllyyyy bad decisions. To sum it up, I basically did alot of stupid things, however a lot of them weren't even in my control.. Frankly, I don't care who knows, because I know a lot of people do...So I'm just gonna be honest about it..I have an eating disorder (ED)...I've had it for a little over a year now. At times "ED" can be my best friends...and at times its my worst enemy. In the beginning, I thought I was just dieting, but it got out of control and it kind of took control of me..to put it one way. I was diagnosed with anorexia and hospitalized over the summer for about 2 and a half weeks...When i got out, I swore I was "fixed"..that was the FURTHEST thing from the truth. I was in worse shape coming out than going in..I lost all the weight I gained back and then some...which is why I went back in like..a little over a month later. During school, especially after drama ended, I was so depressed that I just didnt care about myself or my body..I went through a cycle of starving, bingeing, and sometimes binge/purging...I was told this would probably happen, but didnt think it would...I was SOOOO wrong.. Anyway thats why I'm writing this entry... I know I gained alot of weight, and Im more self conscious and upset than I ever have been in my life. Ive gone to the gym countless times this summer, and it seems like no matter what I do, im gonna be not satisfied with myself.. Well theres that, and you can comment or not....im not asking you to care or even pretend to care. Thats just the truth..Im sooo tired of pretending im ok, and things are fine.... Im NOT ok and things ARENT fine.. <3 jen
2 said something. Open your mouth.
11:59 am	back from the dead.... so i revived livejournal for the third time after speaking about it with the lovely miss ashley pines. i dont have time to write now though lol Current Mood: busy Current Music: alexz johnson-skin
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